Appearance and Reality
by p19
Summary: Blair Waldorf is not just the Upper East Side princess with the perfect life. Because everything is not always what it seems and everyone makes mistakes. Blaircentric. BN.
1. Breakdown

**A/N: This is my first Gossip Girl story and I chose to write it Blair centric and about Blair and Nate's relationship because I think Blair is a really interesting character and I love Blair and Nate despite their issues. In my hopeless romantic head, they are meant to be together. I've read all the books and I love the TV show so the story is a blend of the books and the show. The events are the show but the story is definitely influenced by my opinions of the characters from reading the books.**

**I know that there are a lot of Chuck/Blair shippers from the show but I think that Nate and Blair just have a lot of interesting parts to their complicated relationship. **

**So I hope you enjoy the story and review if you could be so kind.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot. Gossip Girl is property of Cecily von Ziegesar and the CW.**

* * *

Blair sobbed at the thought of what she had done recently. She didn't know what was wrong with her yet at the same time she knew what the problem was and she just did not want to admit it. 

She had completely lost it after her boyfriend since forever, Nathaniel Archibald, failed to respond to the most important question she had ever asked anyone.

"_Do you love me?"_

The only thing she wanted was some sort of answer or even an explanation to why he could not respond but, Nate would not even give her that. She remembered the way that he avoided looking in to her eyes which he knew would fill tears in response to his lack of an answer. Like he didn't want to hurt her but he knew that it would destroy her.

Then she remembered surprising herself that she had composed herself enough to respond.

"_You should go, your dad needs you. __**You know what, I don't**__."_

Except she knew as soon as the words left her mouth that what she said was a lie. She did not know if Nate knew it was or if he would even care. All she had ever wanted from Nate was for him to love her as much as she loved him and his lack of response killed her inside. She did not know if it possible that him not loving her was worst than when she found out he and Serena had lost their virginities together.

He was the one person who had been there when her parents divorced. He had been there when she was left without her best friend, even if she did not know the reason why and that he was really behind it. He had held her when she thought no one cared about her to assure her that someone did. But he did not love her even if she had thought he had.

Everything to seemed to collapse all at once, everything that had happened came rushing back to her. Serena leaving without even saying goodbye or explaining why. Her parents divorce and her father moving to France. Finding out that Nate and Serena had slept together, while they were still together. Her mother never being around. People only wanting to be to be known as "Blair Waldorf's friend" without actually getting to know her. No one seeming to realize that she too had feelings and emotions.

When she left for Victrola, Blair felt as if nothing mattered anymore because she was felt worthless. The only two people she felt knew and understood her had betrayed her and despite attempts to hold everything together, it still fell apart. She had lost the two people she thought ever cared about her.

After her impromptu burlesque dance, the number of martinis she drank combined with her emotionally distraught state had led her to the limo of Chuck Bass. And at that moment the only thing that she held morally important above everything else was insignificant. Her virginity was lost to the number one womanizer in Manhattan. Even though they were close family friends, Blair never imagined her virginity would be just another notch on Chuck Bass's famous belt. But at that time Blair wanted to feel wanted and worth something and here Chuck was making her feel those things no matter how artificial.

The morning after Blair had to face looking at herself in the mirror. Her head pounded from the massive hangover from all the Stoli she drank. She knew though that was not the only cause of why she felt like pulling her comforter over her head and never coming out from under it. She knew it wouldn't cure the emptiness she felt growing in the pit of her stomach. She only felt extreme hate for herself and how stupid she acted the night before.

Blair heard her cell phone vibrate on her bedside table. Curiosity got the best of her as she pulled her robe closer around her body as she walked out of her bathroom.

Blair flipped open her phone.

**Have fun last night? I know I did. Up for a repeat?**

**C.**

Phlegm rose in Blair's throat as the thoughts of the night before flooded her mind. She ran to the porcelain toilet and dry heaved and crumpled next to it on the cold tile floor.

This was not how she expected to feel after losing her virginity but then again this was not apart of the plan.

She wasn't supposed to have lost it to creepy and disgusting Chuck Bass. Let alone in the back of his limo while she was complete plastered after who knows how many martinis.

Her seemingly fail proof plan ready made since kindergarten was to be with Nate, go to Yale and be successful. In that plan was included losing her precious virginity to Nate.

Oh, how things had changed. Tears slid down Blair's cheeks thinking about it. Blair felt as if everything was spinning out of control and she had no control over her actions. With everything coming crashing down on her head now physically and literally, Blair bitterly thought that nothing could make it any worst.

"Miss Blair?" Dorota called into her room. Blair slowly picked herself up off the floor walked back towards her bed.

"Yeah, Dorota?" Blair responded wiping her eyes and sitting on the edge of her bed head in her hands.

"Mrs. Waldorf said she has to go to Paris for a couple weeks but will be back in time for Christmas," Dorota told her glancing around the room awkwardly.

"Thanks, Dorota," Blair sighed to herself not surprised that her mom wouldn't be around again.

"Anything you need from me Miss Blair?" Dorota asked.

"No, thanks Dorota," Blair said as Dorota left the room giving her a weak smile.

Now Blair was left in the penthouse utterly alone. Her own mother couldn't even be bothered to stay with her.

How fitting that Blair was actually alone now, matching what she was really feeling inside.

And this is what Blair Waldorf's life had become. She had slept with her ex-boyfriend's best friend mere hours after breaking up. But now she wanted nothing to do with the boy she had lost her virginity to.

All she wanted was to be able to have Nate take her in his lacrosse-toned arms under his warm down comforter as he told her everything would be okay. But how would he react to her sleeping with his best friend? She was not sure she wanted to find out but she knew it would happen eventually and it would not be as nice as her hangover.

* * *

**Well, that the first chapter. I hope you liked it. I'm kind of backtracking from where the show is at now but I thought it would be a good starting point. Next chapter is going to be Blair's birthday and her relationship with Serena and from there just progressing to where the show is and will end at 13 episodes (sadness!) but I might tweak the events.**

**Reviews are always welcome! **


	2. Pictures, Reminisces and Questions

**A/N: I am making when Serena and Nate did it during Freshman year as it occurred in the books and not Sophomore year like in the TV show just FYI. So they did it before the start of freshman year.**

**I am also looking for a beta reader! Obviously one that like N/B and is willing to put up with a random writing schedule! It can take me months to find time to write.**

**Please review, if you could be so kind**

**HopelessRomantic44, prettysparklegirl, troubled.writings.x, Blair-and-Nate- Thank you so much for your reviews!!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot. Gossip Girl is property of Cecily von Ziegesar, Alloy Entertainment and the CW.**

* * *

"_Pictures of you  
Pictures of me  
Remind us all of what we used to be_

_Confess to me  
Every secret moment  
Every stolen promise you've believed _

_Confess to me  
All that lies between us  
All that lies between you and me"_

_- Pictures of You, The Last Goodbye_

Blair was staring at one of the pictures she had hidden in an old Manolo box in her closet. No one except her knew the box existed. All the nostalgia she had for her life was contained in this box of mementos.

The photo she held in her hands was one she had reluctantly took with Nate while up at the Archibald's summer house in Maine, the week before school staterd. Her head was resting in the crook of Nate's neck as she smiled dreamily up at the camera that Nate held above them. She remembered protesting to the photo but Nate had insisted saying that he needed to take a picture of the best part of his summer. It had been the summer before freshman year.

They looked so young and innocent. Which they had been, it had been before Nate had started smoking pot and Blair had learned how to make herself sick.

Freshman year had been simple, Blair had been truly happy. Her parents were still together, she had an amazing best friend, and the perfect boyfriend. Blair had been the typical unassuming freshman. But who would assume that her best friend and crush since birth would have hooked up?

Things like this didn't happen to her and weren't supposed to, she was the Blair Waldorf. Lately though this didn't seems like such a big deal as it use to be.

Coming back to school in fall after vacation in St. Bart's with the family to whispers of Serena's absence from Constance and having to fake that she knew where her best friend had disappeared to and that it was a private matter.

The worst part was the culmination of calling the van der Woodsen's and having Lily answered surprised, **"Didn't Serena tell you? She's attending boarding school in Connecticut."**

Blair tried in vain to contact her but received no response. She didn't understand why Serena had just abandoned her. They had acted like sisters for so long Blair didn't understand why Serena would just leave her and say nothing.

Nate started to ditch her to get high in Central Park with Jeremy, Anthony and the rest of his stoner lax buddies. She hadn't understood why he was doing such a stupid thing and acting so distant.

She loved him though and she thought he loved her. She never would have guessed his likeness to lighting up was because of his pining for her best friend and his inability to tell her about their tryst.

Then her last source of stability was shattered by the earthquake of her father's coming out. Her parents were supposed to be in love, their relationship was what she wanted for herself.

And just like that her father was gone to France across a freaking ocean with _Roman_ and her mother was pretending to be strong while having Dorota bring her multiple martinis with every meal when she was home.

The next picture was from when the Golden Trio was just five playing in the fountain of the Archibald's brownstone. Nate in a sailor suit, hat and all, with the two girls in matching sundresses.

Life had been so simple growing up before puberty and the discovering of feelings. They were supposed to friends for life. Blair knew however that she could not hide her feelings about Nate; she never had been able too. They had always been there and she did not think that they would be going away anytime soon or ever. The brightening of her day by just seeing him and his ability to make her feel better even when she thought she could never be happy again was something she never wanted to lose.

Blair flipped to the next photo a recent one of her and Nate on his sailing boat, the Charlotte, on a cruise around the harbor just this past summer right before school started. They had been happy and relaxed from just hanging out on the boat all day kissing and sun tanning. He had been pot free and they had shared a picnic packed by Dorota.

Nate in his Volcom board shorts and Blair in her Dior bikini soaking up the last of the rays of sun for the day. Nate's hair was slightly bleached for the sun and they were both nicely tanned which perfectly suited Nate's toned lacrosse body and abs.

She remembered how nice it was just to be with Nate alone without his stoner friends or Kati and Is. They had just got to be with each other something that had become strained in the months before because of his pot and her making herself sick.

Blair remembered the feel of Nate's arms wrapped around her shoulders as they sat of the deck of the boat watching the sun go down. It had been the perfect day for them.

Blair tossed the stack of photos she was holding back into the old shoe box and laid down on her bed.

They both had betrayed each other and they had both really hurt each other. Blair had really tried to forgive them both and eventually she just did not think about it. She really was trying for the sake of their relationship; she wasn't willing to give up the love she had for Nate.

This is why Blair felt so betrayed at the way that Nate was handling things.

He had broken her heart and essentially told her that he didn't love her before she left to Victrola. He had used their relationship at his father's request. Yet he was unwilling to forgive her indiscretion as she had for his.

She remembered their fight and breakup so clearly. She had gone to his house as soon as she had gotten the text from Gossip Girl. She didn't think she had ever felt worse.

"_What are you doing here?"_"_Your mom let me in."  
__  
"I didn't ask how you got in, I asked why you're here."__no us__, Blair."_

"To talk. About us."

"There is

"_Yes, there is. We finally really have a chance to start over." _

That stung. He was just willing to throw everything away. He wasn't willing to fight for their relationship. He didn't even try to listen to her. He was a hypocrite.

_  
"You know, all this time I felt __so__ bad for everything I've done. And when you said you wanted to leave the past in the past, I didn't know we were talking about __your__ past."_

When had he felt bad though? When they were fooling around for the past two years and he had failed to mention that he wasn't a virgin anymore? When he had been lying to her until the day they were about to do it for the first time? When after she had found out that he had gotten back together with her because his father needed it for a business deal with her mother?

When had he ever considered how _she _would feel and not just his selfish feelings?

_"You had just broken my heart. I made a decision I was in no condition to make."_

"But you're clear-headed now, right?"

"_Yes."_

"_So, you understand perfectly when I say I want nothing else to do with you, Blair. You and Chuck deserve each other."_

There was a tone of finality in his voice as he said this that Blair had never heard. Nate was usually the go with the flow type of person and nothing could faze him to much but the way he talked to her that day resonated in her mind.

He had said he wanted nothing else to do with her, like she was a piece of gym clothing that needed to be replaced.

_"You know Chuck would say anything, twist the truth."_

"Jenny wouldn't."

"_Jenny?"_

"_Don't go blaming any of this on her, Blair. I would have found out eventually. I said I'm done. Over. Now, would you, please, leave? Fine. Stay as long as you like. __I'll__ leave."_

Blair felt sick just thinking about what had happened between them. Losing Nate was not something that Blair had ever wanted to happen. Whenever she pictured her future, Nate was always standing beside her.

In some twisted way they were both even. Him with Serena and her with Chuck, maybe they hadn't been together when it had happen but they had both still felt the effects.

What happened with Chuck was a drunken mistake and a moment of desperation. He was there to fulfill what Nate had not. He was the inadequate stand in when Nate wasn't there because he didn't want to be.

Nate was the most important thing in her life, he had gotten her through Serena's departure and her father's coming out. He had always been there to comfort her and take care of her; he was the only one who besides Serena she had let herself be vulnerable around.

He understood her statute like appearance was a façade to protect her from what others would say about her and their scathing comments. He had been her shoulder to cry on, he would protect her.

Now she had no idea what to do, he couldn't protect her from himself.

They hadn't been dating when any of this had happened, so why couldn't they both move past it?

But, she knew it wasn't as simple as that because, even though they were not together, it was emotional. It hurt her when she found out that he had already lost it to Serena. Which is why she understood why he was so upset about her and Chuck. It was exactly what he had done to her.

It was an even trade in appearance but, in reality the ramifications were much deeper than casual sex.

They had hurt each other but whether or not they could work through it or walk out on each other forever would be a question they would have to answer sooner or later.

Blair knew what she wanted the answer to be but it was really Nate who held their fate in his hands.

* * *

**A/N: So the events that have happened might not make sense to you so let me clarify:**

**- Nate and Serena had sex before freshman year but then Nate and Blair got together and she took off for boarding school.**

**- This means that technically neither Blair nor Nate cheated on one other because they were not together at the time.**

**- So her father's leaving and stuff happened in the span of freshman and sophomore year.**

**- Blair and Nate have been dating for two years (freshman and sophomore) before she found out about Nate and Serena**

**- It is currently Junior year, like in the show.**

**Next chapter, whenever it is written will involve interaction rather than just solely Blair and her thoughts.**

**Remember to review! Thank you for reading!**


End file.
